Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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