My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
