I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
