I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
