My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
