Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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