just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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