she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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