Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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