I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
