I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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