How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
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You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
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She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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