I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
