I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
