Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
