She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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