I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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