Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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