i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
