i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
