We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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