Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
