Capitaan dildo arrescate!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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