Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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