i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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