he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
