Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
