Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
