3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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