Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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