So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
