it wasn't lemon gatorade
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
