I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
