Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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