Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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