Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...