you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???