Pappa wants mamma naked
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
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When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.