if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.