you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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