Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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