You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i dont even know how to be here
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
