please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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