apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
