Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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