this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
