when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.