if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I could make wine with my vomit
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb