i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey