Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
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My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
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if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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