you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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