pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
