On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
