No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
