Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
