Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
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Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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