I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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