I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
